Random Death Note Scenerios and Conversations!
by shojen12
Summary: These are just a collection of short scenerios and long conversations I "had" with the characters of Death Note. There's a lot of Light-bashing in it, so if you like light, don't read.
1. May the Madness Begin!

A/n: Welcome to the first chapter of Random Death Note Scenerios and Conversations! Hot off my brain! These will be series of random scenerios and conversations that I can picture happening!

Warning: Spoilers for the entire series! Read only if you have finished either all 12 volumes or all 37 episodes.

Light: Wait, so that's the entire story?

Me: Yup!

Light( _pulls out pen and Death Note)_

Me: Light, what are you doing?

Light(_turning away from me)_: Nothing.

Me: Then why do you have out your death note and a pen?

Light: I saw a mafia boss pass by and i need to write his name down in my death note.

Me: Uh, Light, we're in my bedroom. Wait, were you trying to write my name in the death note so i wouldn't publish this?

Light: Ma-maybe.

Me: Uh-huh. Give it.

Light: Give what?

Me: Give me your death note, Light.

Light: No.

Me: Light, give it to me. You know what happens when you cross me.

Light: Gulps. Eep.

Me: Now, while I pry Light away from his precious notebook, L, can you do the disclaimer?

L: Sure. Shojoshonengirl does not own Death Note. If she did, well, mention of what would happen to the story would change this fanfic's rating to M, instead of T.

Me(_grabs death note.)_

Light: NOOO! MY PRECIOUS!

Me:MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, onto the randomness!

* * *

_Setting: Light in his room talking to Ryuk about his plans for the Death Note._

Light:... Using the Death Note, I'll change this rotten world and I'll become the god of the new world!

Sayu(_right outside the door evasdropping)_: Mom! Light forgot to take his medications again!

* * *

Me: Gah, I can't think of anything else to put! I guess this counts as a convosation.

Light(_fist pumped into the air)_: Yes!

Me: What did you say?

Light: Uh, nothing.

Me: Mmm...L, you can have your way Light, now.

L: I can? Yay!

Light(_slowing backing away into a corner)_: Uh, look, can we just talk about it?

Me and L: No.

_L continues to approach Light. He grabs Light by the arm and drags him to the other room._

Light: No. No. No! NOOOOO!

_L plays the last episode of Death Note._

Light(_covering his eyes)_: No...this isn't happening. This isn't happening. I'm back home in my room, writing names in my Death Note. I haven't been abducted by a crazy lady...yes... that never happened.

Me: Light, you weren't abducted. I merely... persuaded you in an affective manner.

Light: You mean by barging into my house, breaking down my bedroom door, tying me with rope, putting duck tape over my mouth, tasering me, and carrying me here against my will is persuation?!

Me: In my book, yep.

Light(_murmurs): _Crazy lady.

Me: I'M NOT CRAZY!(_eye twiches_)

L: Can I continue with the torturing?

Me: Yes, you may.

Light: No you may not.

Me: C'mon, Light. He's just showing you the episode where you confess to being Kira, get shot at by Matsuda, and die of a heart attack after Ryuk writes your name in his Death Note. What's wrong with that?

L: Yeah Light what's-wait, Matsuda shoots Light?

Me: Yeah, he was about to kill him too if Aizawa didn't stop him. Damn it, Aizawa, Matsuda was being useful for once!

Light: And you're okay with that?

Me and L: Yeah.

Light: You too are insane.(_looks at me_) Hey, didn't you used to support Kira?

_L looks at me with question in his eyes._

Me: Yeah, but that was before the final volume. After I finished the series, I became a fan of L. Now I wish he never died and you died instead.

Light(_sarcastically_): Gee, thanks.

Me: You're welcome!

_Light face-palms._

Me: Okay this is getting nowhere!

L and Light: You barely noticed?!

_Me bitch-slapping Light._

Light: Ow. Hey, why was I the only who got bitch-slapped?!

Me: Because 1) I hate you and 2) I can't mess up Lawliet's face.

_L and Light look at me really fast._

Me: Oops, sorry L. But does it matter really if Light knows your real name. He can;t do anything because even if he writes your name in his Death Note, you won't die, right Light?

Light(_looks up_): Huh? Oh, yeah.

Me: What were doing Light? And don't you dare lie.

L: I believe he tried writing my name into his notebook.

Light(_looking away_): N-no I wasn't.

_I snatch his death note from him._

L(_looking over my shoulder_): Light, you spelled my name wrong.

Light: I did?

L: Yes, now coming over here and I'll show you how to spell it correctly.

_Light comes over with the Death Note and a pen._

L: Okay, this is how to spell it.(_pulls out a baseball bat and whacks him with it_)

_Light falls to the ground unconscious._

L: Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, get hit hard on the head with a baseball bat.

Me: Yeah! Wooh, if only that happened in the manga! I think we can call it a day, my brain hurts from thinking too much.

Me and L: See you soon.

Me: Want to get some cake?

L: sure, I'm always up for some cake.

_L and I leave the room._

Light: He-hello. A little help here please. Sigh.

* * *

Me: So what did you think?

_Light tries grabbing Death Note from me._

Me: Nh-uh-uh. You're not getting this back until the story's over.

Light: But, that could go on forever.

Me: My point exactly.

L: I like that idea.

Me: Thank you Lawliet.

L: Ryuzaki.

Me: Don't lie. I know it's Lawliet.

L: How do you know? Do you have the _eyes_?

Me(_scoffs_): I wish. No, the creators of Death Note released a How-to-Read guide shorty after it was completeled and it had your real name on your profile page.

L: Oh.

Light: Wait, so if i had this 'How-to-Read' guide thingy earlier in the series, then L would have dies without me having to met Misa?

Me: If you could magically turn back time after purchasing it, then yeah.

_Light pulls out scrap of Death Note from his watch._

Me: I forgot he had that.(_snatch_)

L: Oh, so that's he killed Higuchi.(_looks at the scrap more closely_) Is that blood?

Me: Yes it is.

_L looks at Light in horror._

Light: What? I couldn't have pulled out a pen and write his name in plainsight, now could I?

L: Technically, you did write it in plainsight. I was right next to you when it happened.

Light: Oh yeah I forgot.

_I smack Light on the head._

Light: Ow, would you quit hitting me?

Me: No, it brings me joy to see you in pain.

Light: Sadist.

Me: Serial killer.

Light: Crazy lady.

Me: Schizophrenic.

L: OO, she got you there.

Light: How?

L: Well, at the beginning of the series, it was quite clear that you were suffering from schizophrenia when you compared yourself to a god.

Me: He's totally right.

Light: You're just saying that because you think he's cute.

_Me bitch-slapping Light again!_

Me: If you don't drop the attitude, the next chapter I write will be a yaoi one. Starring you and Lawliet.

_Light looks at me with terror in his eyes._

Light: You wouldn't dare.

Me: Try me.

_Light backs away._

Me: uh-huh, see, that's what I thought.

L: Um, shouldn't you be wrapping this up soon, you have school tomorrow.

Me: Oh, all right. And i was having fun too.

Light: You call this fun?

Me: Yes, yes I do.

_Light shutters._

Me: I hope you enjoyed the first installment of Random Death Note Scenerios and Conversations! I guarentee they will keep on getting weider and weider each time because that's how my mind works. Please review at the bottom! Thank you! :D

* * *

***EDIT 11/23/12: I went back and corrected all of my grammar and spelling mistakes mostly because they were bugging the hell out of me.**


	2. More Madness!

A/n: Okay, here's another chapter of this story! Enjoy!

Warning: Language and alot of light-bashing!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

Me: Hello and welcome to the second chapter of...this story!

Light: Yes, hello to the voices in shojoshonen's head that make her believe that there are people actually READING this story.

_Me tasering Light._

Me: Don't listen to him, my precious readers.

L: Uh-huh, sure. I need you to prove to me that there are people reading this story and it's not in your head.

_i pull up story stats on my account and show him the number of views on _Random Death Note _story._

L: Wow, 49 views. I'm impressed.

Me: Thanks. I'm so happy I got this many views on the first chapter alone!

Light(_getting up from the floor_)(_scoffs_): Lucky bitch.

Me(_slaps light_): What did you just call me?!

Light(_holding the side of his head where I hit him_): A lucky bitch?!

_I aim my fist at his face._

Light: NO! NOT THE FACE! ANYWHERE BUT THE FACE!

Me: Okay.

_I kick him where it hurts, if you get my drift. ;D Btw, i was wearing black boots with a steel plated heel and you can kinda guess what part of the boot i kicked him with. XD _

_Light doubles over in pain._

Me: Yeah! Try reproducing now, Light! Wohoo! Ten points for me!

Light: W-was th-that re-really neccessay?!

Me: Yes, yes it was.

L: Hey, remember me?! I feel kinda left out.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry, Lawliet.(_hugs L_) I was too busy making Light's life a living hell.

L: It's okay.

Me: Here's some strawberry cake.

L: Yay! Dinner and a show!

Real L: Nice impression of me. Though, you know I would never be caught dead keeping that cheerful.

Me: I know. Just wanting to see how you'd sound saying that.

Light: Don't have homework to do instead of this fanfic? And isn't said homework due tomorrow?

Me: Shhh, what if one of teachers is reading this?

Light: Like your teachers would know who you are much less be on fanfiction dot net reading death note fanfiction and squelling like freaking fangirls.

Me: True... Fine. I'll do it. (_pulls out math book_). Let's see...Light plus Death Note equals mental instuition times Thorazine...

Light: Wait, wait, wait...aren't you supposed to do your homework?

Me: But I AM doing my homework.

Light: Since when did inverse functions have to with Death Note?

Me: Since now. Here,(_showing him my paper_), Light minus Death Note equals no memories plus L all mutiplied by yaoi is the inverse function of Light plus Death Note equals mental instuition times Thorazine.

Light(slaps me upside the head): That isn't inverse functions!

Me: In this textbook, it is.

_Light grabs textbook and flips through it._

Light: THIS ISN'T A PRE-CAL TEXTBOOK! IT'S A JOURNAL DISGUISED AS A MATH BOOK...

_I quickly grab it back._

Me: Okay, I lied when I said I'd do my homework.I just don't feel like doing it now.

Light: ...AND WHAT'S WITH THE LIGHT PLUS DEATH NOTE EQUALS MENTAL INSTUITION TIMES THORAZINE CRAP! AND WHAT THE HELL IS YAOI ANYWAY!

Me: 1) Stop yelling in my ear or I'll rip off your you-know-what and 2)Do you REALLY want to know?

Light: Yes, I do.

L: And I would like to know as well. I'm curious to know what yaowe...no, yoawi...however you pronounce it?

Me: It's yaoi.

L: Yaoi, got it. So what is it?

Me: ...Fine, I'll tell you, but you all are going to regret it.

Light: Who cares, just tell us already.

Me: Yaoi is Japanese, which basically means bxb.

Light: Whch is?

Me: boyxboy.

Light: Which is?

Me: Boy lo-THE MALE CHARCTERS ARE GAY! OKAY, HAPPY NOW?!

Light: ...I think I was happier not knowing.

L: I agree with Light-kun on this one.

_Light and L leave the room when I turn my back on them for a second._

Me: Hey! I warned you and you still insisted on knowing, so the only person you can blame is yourselves.

Me: Hey guys?

Me: Light? L?

Me: Where did they-oh a note!

Me(_reading from the note_): "Be right back. Need to take care of our 'problems'" Problems? Was what I told them that disgusting? Oh well, guess they couldn't handle it. Weaklings.

* * *

**Meanwhile in the bathroom...**

Light: Hurry up, Ryuzaki! Before she realizes we've been gone too long!

L: I'm sorry, but it's so tight!

Light: Push harder! Yeah...yeah.. that's it. More...just a little more.. ah there!

L: Was the window that heavy?

Light: Yeah, apparently it's made of concrete and bulletproof glass. Who goes to such lengths for a window?

L: She does.

Light: Well, never mind, let's hurry before she-

Me: Before I what?

_Light and L trun around._

Light: Eep!

L: Uh...It was Light's idea!

Light: Hey!

Me: Yeah, i know it was Light's idea. How dare you try to escape Light? Just for that, you will be severely punished. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Light: Ple-please do-don't hu-hurt me.

Me: Who said anything about hurting you? No, Light, your punishment will be much worse than severe corporal punishment.

Light: What's worse than severe corprol punish-No, you wouldn't dare?

Me: Try me. (_grabs Light by the arm and drag him to the other room_)

Light: No! NO! NOOOOO! THIS HAS GONE TO FAR!

Me: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! (_pulls on shounen-ai version of Death Note_)(A/N: which doesn't exist, i just made it up on the spot)

Light(covering his eyes): No...no...that never happened...no that happened either...

Me: Light?

Light: Ye-yeah?

Me: It's just the opening credits!

Light: It's still scary!

Me: Baby.

Light: I AM NOT A BABY!

Me: Yes, you are. You know, for someone who kills criminals for a living, you have absolutely NO BALLS WHATSOEVER!

L: She does have a point.

Light: Can you end this already?

Me: What? The fanfic or the shounen-ai?

Light: Both.

Me: Fine, I'll end the fanfic here but the shounen-ai stays on.

Light: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: For those of you reading this fanfic, please review at the bottom, otherwise Light continues to watch the shounen-ai's "interesting" parts on repeat.

Light: YES! PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE! Wait, what "interesting" parts? Shojoshonengirl, what interesting parts?

Me: Oh, want a preview? (_fast-forwards to the "interesting part_)

Light: AAAHHHH! PLEASE REVIEW AND MAKE THE MADNESS STOP!

L: Good-bye. Happy?

Me: Yes, thank you. Shojoshonengirl signing off. See you soon!

* * *

Me: Seriously, thought please review or the madness will continue.

* * *

***Edit 11/22/12: I was re-reading this chapter, juts for the hell of it when I decided to "draw up the equation" that I used in this chapter. I used Google Images and Paint to do it and I'm quite happy with it. You'll find the link to my Deviantart on my profile. Please feel free to let me know what you think about it. :)**

***EDIT 11/23/12: I don't why i didn't do this yesterday but i went back and fixed the grammar and spelling mistakes. Now they won't be bugging me and screaming _"Fix me, fix me."_*****sigh* Now i feel better. **


	3. Madness Mania!

Warning: Language and alot of light bashing

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

* * *

Me: Okay, Light, I'm stopping the madness. Rainbowpanther9 reviewed not too long ago. Annd I did promise to stop it if someone reviewed.

Light: YES! WOHOO, THANK YOU, RAINBOWPANTHER9 FOR REVIEWING!

Me: Sigh, Light?

Light: Yes?

Me: You suck, you know that?

Light: No, I didn't.

Me: Well, now you do. How can you live with yourself knowing that?

Light: I don't know.

Me: Hmm...L, what are doing?

L: Writing Light-kun's name in his Death Note.

Me(_pats L on the head_): Good Lawliet. Here's another slice of cake.

L: Why, thank you.

Light: Hey, I get hit with a baseball bat and Ryuzaki gets CAKE?! Anyone can see the injustice in that.

Me: Yes, Light, I, too, see the injustice in that also.

Light: And?!

Me: That's about it, really.

Light: That's it?! There's no deep meaning behind your reasoning?

Me: Nope.

Ryuk: Hey, you totally forgot me. I'm, like the star of the show. Without me, none of this would have happened. And do I get a thank-you? No I don't.

Me: No, you don't Ryuk, but at least you got the satisfaction of writing Light's name down in your Death Note in the end, right?

Ryuk: Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey, what's going on between Light and L?

Me(_face palms_): Light, what did I tell about trying to beat up Lawliet?

Light: Uh, you didn't tell me a thing. Right, Ryuzaki?

Me: Don't try to weasel your way out of this one, Light. I totally expalined that the first day you were here.

L: No, you didn't.

Me: I didn't?!

L: Nope.(_shows me the first chapter of this long titled story_)

Me: Oh, oops.

Light: See, ha I can't believe you for-wait, what did you mean by TRYING? I can beat Ryuzaki in a fist fight anyday.

Me: Ha! Yeah right. Rewind!

_I show him the episode of the fist-fight between them._

Me: See, L's WAY stronger than you. Why can't you just admit it?

_Light glaring at me._

Me: What?

Light: Nothing.

Me: Spit it out otherwise you'll be missing a VERY valuable body part.

Light: Like what?

Me: Your reproductive organ, that's what.

Light: Why can't you just say it?

Me: No, it's too ackward.

Light(_scoffs_): Whose the coward now?

Me: LIGHT I WILL RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING PENIS IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS INSTANT!

Light: Oooh, she used the f-word.

_I flip him the bird._

Light: You're evil, you know that?

Me: No, Light. You've misunderstanding something here.

Light: Like what? I'm pretty sure I understand everything that's been going on.

Me: No,you see, Light. Alll the stuff I've doing to you, I was just being mean. Now if you want evil, well, be careful what you wish for.

_I grab Light and take to my "basement"._

Me: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Light: NO! LET ME GO! DADDY! DADDY! PLEASE SAVE ME! DADDY!

Me: Awe, poor wittle Wight wants his daddy. Well, too bad! You're on my terf now! Nobody can save you! NOBODY!

Light: What. Did. I. Do. To. Deserve. This!

Me: Oh, you should the answer by now. Hey yo, Mike.

Mike: Yes.

Me: Please give the 'special guest' treament.

Mike: Very nice choice. Anything else with that?

Me: Let's see...a side of this and that...and a side of fries.

_Mike hands me a bowl of french fires._

Mike: Okay, anything else?

Me(_through a mouthful of fries_): Nope, that's it. Bye, Light, see you in six hours!

Light: Six hours! Hey. wait, the 'special guest' treament. Hey, are you listening to me?! HEY! COME BACK HERE! I SAID COME BACK-

_Mike grabs Light by his collar and thrown into the 'basement'._

_I go back to my room where L and Mr. Yagami are waiting._

Me: I'm back.

L: Uh, where's Light-kun.

Mr. Yagami: Yes, where is my son?

Me: Your son, Mr. Yagami, is in the 'basement' getting some 'special treament'.

Mr Yagami: What kind of 'special treament'?

Me: It's...let's just say, when he's done with his treament, he won't be able to tell his left from his right. Does that answer your question?

_Mr. Yagami looks at me with horror and sadness in his eyes, along with a lot of anger._

Mr. Yagami: What did he do? He doesn't deserve-

Me: Yes, Mr. Yagami, he does. He needs to know that what he's doing is wrong. Evil cannot be cleansed from the world. There needs to be a balance of the two,otherwise, the very universe will collapse. Does this answer your quetion?

Mr. Yagami: No, it doesn't because you are torturing my son.

Me: Well, yes I'm torturing, but it's not torture that you all are familiar with.

Mr. Yagami and L: Which is?

_I crack a smile._

Me(_thoughts_): Oh man, Light's probably having a ball in there.

* * *

Light: No, please make it stop! Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitst opmakeitstopMAKEITSTOP!

Mike: Sorry, no can do. I'm under strict orders from the boss not to stop until the six hours are up. Besides, your the first to be screaming bloody murder at a freaking Telly Tubbies episode.

Light: TH-THEY FREAK ME OUT! THEY'RE EVEN FREAKIER THAN SHINIGAMI! ESPECIALLY THE BABY-FACED SUN! THAT WAS A CREATURE SENT FROM THE GATES OF HELL ITSELF!

Mike: But it's so cute!

Light: NO IT'S NOT!

Mike: You, my friend, have no respect for the classics.

Light: I'm. Not. Your. Friend.

Mike: Whatever, dude. Anyways, after about two hours of Telly Tubbies, then it's another two hours of Dora the Explorer then the last two hours will be My Little ponies: Friendship is Magic.

_Light looks like he's about to cry._

Mike: Don''t cry. Be glad she's showing the good episodes, not the crappy ones the writers consider "episodes".

Light(_sounding defeated_): Fine, I'll cooperate.

Mike: Good, but I'm still under orders to carry this out, even if you do decide to cooperate.

_Light sighs in defeat for real._

* * *

Mr. Yagami: Why do I get the feeling Light's in that room watching two hours of Telly Tubbies, two hours of Dora the Explorer and two hours of My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic?

L: Yes, I agree with Yagami-kun. I, too, have that same feeling.

Me(_feeling exposed_): I-It must your imagination.

Mr. Yagami and L: Yeah, I guess you're right.

_I sigh a breath of relief._

* * *

Me: So, how was it? Please review! I need to know if it was funny. Next chapter, Light will be forced to act like L for the day. So, see ya! :D


	4. Madness Continues

_Warning: Contains language, yaoi, and a lot of Light basking. You have been warned._

_Discalimer: I own nothing._

* * *

Me: Okay, time's up. (_talks into walkie-talkie_):Mike, you can let Light out now.

Mike: Okay boss.

_Mike unlocks the basements locks(all 374 of them) and guides Light up the stairs._

Light: YES! FREEDOM!

Me: Uh-oh. The treatment didn't work?

Mike: No sir. He's one tough nut to break.

Me: Hmmm...(_snaps fingers_) Mike, hand me my pocketwatch and strap Light to a chair.

_Mike hands me my pocketwatch and straps Light to the chair._

Light(_struggling in the chair_): Wh-what is this...What are you doing?

Me(_sways the watch in front of him and in a calm voice_): You are getting VERY sleepy.

Light: N-no...I'm not!

Me(_continues to sway the pocketwatch_): Your eyelids are getting heavy.

Light: My...eyelids...are getting...heavy.

Me: You want to sleep.

Light: I...want...to...sleep.

Me: Light, when you close your eyes you are Light Yagami.

Light: When...I...close...eyes...I'm...Light...Yagami...

Me: When I snap my fingers, you fall asleep but when i snap then again you will wake up as...L Lawliet.

Light: ...when..I...wake...up...I'll...be...L...Lawliet.

_Light falls into a deep sleep._

Mr. Yagami: Ah, Light! Light!

Me: He can't hear you. The only one who can wake him up is me.

Mr. Yagami: And when are you going to wake him up?

Me(_looking at my watch_): Right...now.

_I snap my fingers._

_Light wakes up._

Mr. Yagami: Light?

Light: Light? Who's Light? My name is L Lawliet.

Mr. Yagami: What did you do to my son?

Me: I got a request from Death-Note-Fan01 who wanted to see Light acting as L for the day so I hypnotized him to act like L.

Mr. Yagami: This is madness.

Me: This is genius!

Light: Excuse me, do you know where I can get some strawberry cake?

Me: Here you go L.

Light: Thank you.

_Light sits on his chair with his knees up to his chest._

Mr. Yagami: Uh, Li-L what are you doing?

Light: Sitting.

Mr. Yagami: Like that?

Light: Yes, it raises my deductive skills by 40%. You should try it.

Mr. Yagami: N-No thanks. I'm fine.

L: This is how I act like? Wow, i didn't i could be so-

Mr. Yagami: Weird?

Me: Sexy?

L: Cool. Wait, you think I'm sexy?

Me(_blushes_): Um...y-yes.

L: Why thank you.

_Light's cellphone_ _playing_ Sexyback _by Justin Timberlake._

Me: He seriously needs to get a new ringtone. It doesn't suit him. At. All. (_Grabs his cellphone and answers_): Hellooo?

Misa(_on phone screaming_): LIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU?! MISA'S WORRIED ABOUT YOU! WE HAVEN'T BEEN ON A DATE SINCE LAST WEEK!

Me: Wow, calm down bit-Misa. Light's fine he's... taking a nap.

Misa: Oh. Okay. (_hangs up_)

Me(_murmurs_): Dumb bitch.

Mr. Yagami: Who was that?

Me: That annoying bitch, Misa. I hate her! She's ruining yaoi!

Light(_still eating his cake_): What is yaoi?

Me(_face palm_): Idiot.

_Light turns his head and ends up looking in the mirror._

Light: Gah! I look like a neat-freak! I'll be right back!

_Light heads to the nearest bathroom._

**Ten Minutes Later...**

_Light comes out of the bathroom with his hair in a mess and weraing a white, long sleeved t-shirt and baggy jeans while bare-foot. He also dyed his hair jet black._

Me: Wow, how did he dye his hair so fast?

L: Good question.

_Light sits down and finishes his cake._

Light: Now, onto more importatnt matters, the kira case. (_Light looks at L_).

Light: I didn't know I had a twin brother.

L: Uh, Shoj?

Me: Yes, L?

L(_whispers to me_): He's wondering why he has a twin brother.

Me: Hell, he's onto us.

L: YOU have been watching WAY too much Ouran high School Host Club...

Me: I know.

L: ...AND Death Note...

Me: I know.

L: ...AND Vampire Knight...

Me: I know, L.

L: ...AND Junjou Romantica...

Me: L...

L: ...AND Kuroshitsuji...

Me: L, I get-

L: AND Yaoi doujindhis...

Me: GODDAMMIT L. I GET IT ALREADY!

L: There's no need to yell.

_Me breathing in and out really hard, defeated._

L: Uh, Shoj? What is Light-kun doing?

_Light sitting on the chair and looking at my computer screen._

Me: Who knows. Maybe working on the Kira case. Though it's kind of pointless since Light is-WAS- Kira.

L: Good point.

_L walks over to Light._

L: Li-I mean L.

Light: Yes?

L kisses Light.

Me(_taking pictures_): YAY! YAOI! (_continues taking pictures_)

Me(_thoughts_): Now for the fun part!

_I snap my fingers._

_Light falls asleep._

_I snap them again._

_Light wakes up again and finds L kissing him._

Light (_pushes L away_): Ryuzaki! What the hell are you doing?

L: Shoj said she'll give me a ten layered strawberry cake if I did that. (_looks at me_): Do I get my cake now?

Me(_hands over cake_): YAOI! Yes, here you go!

Light(_points at me_): YOU! Have. A. Sick. Mind.

Me: Why thank you.(_looks at pictures taken_): Wow, I got some excellent shots. Look.

_I show them the pictures I took._

Mr. Yagami: Uh...I think I'll be going now. S-See you soon Light. Good luck with... Just good luck.

_Mr. Yagami leaves and heads home as fast as he can._

L: Wow, these are excellent shots.

Me: I know, right? ;D

_Light looks like he's about to hurl._

Me: C'mon Mr. Light 'I-Am-Gay' Yagami, lighten up!

Light: I am not gay!

Me: Yes, you are. Say your last name backwards.

Light: I am gay?

Me: Ha! He finally admits it! L, Light, congrats!

Light and L: Wait, huh?

Me: I'm sooooo planning your wedding. Let's see, there's the cake... catering... guest list...oh the pastor, mustn't forget the pastor...and location! Location, location, location! Where should we have it? Hey Light, L, should we have the wedding in Tokyo or at Wammy's House what do you think? Guys? Whyyyyy are you staring at me like that? Light? L? Heeeyyy, I was joking. Can't you guys get a joke? Hey, what are doing with that duck tape and handcuffs? Guys? AAAA-

Me(_with my mouth duck taped and duck taped to a chair_): Mmm, muys, mat's moing mon? Muys? Might, mour so mucking mead!

Light: There, that should teach you to mess with the god of the new world.

Me: Muck you, might!

L: She either said 'muck you' or 'fuck you'.

Me: MUCK YOU- Mike! Mike! Mode Med! Mode Med!

Mike(_enters room_): Boss what hap- What the fuck happened?

Me(_thrashing in the chair_): Mun mie me, mease!

Mike: Yes, sir.

_Mike unties me and rips off duck tape from my mouth._

Me: OW! Light, you are fucking dead oh and Light.

Light: Yes.

Me(_flips him the bird_): Fuck you.

L: I was right! She DID say fuck you.

Me: L.

L: Yes?

Me: Watch your [censored] mouth.

Light: Oh, now you censor it.

Me: That's because I'm talking to L.

Light: Whatever.

* * *

Me: Ah, I'm just gonna end the chapter here.

L: So soon?

Me: Yeah, but don't worry. I'm cooking up a strom for next time. MWAHAHAHAHA!

Light: Eep!

Me: Until. then. Please review, otherwise Light doesn't get the latest Justin Beiber CD.

Light: WHAT?!

L: Yes, please do. We wouldn't want to deprive Light from his...obssession.

Light(_scoffs_): I'm not obssessed.

Me( _rips off Light shirt_): Then what do we call this?

_Light wearing a Justin Beiber shirt. Front: Justin's face Back reads: Beliebers_.

Me: Wow, Light. I didn't you were a Belieber?(_takes picture and posts on Facebook and Twitter_)

Light: Give me that-

_I snap my fingers._

Me: Mike?

_Mike grabs Light._

Light: Hey let me go-

_I snap my fingers again._

_Light falls asleep again._

Me: Once again please review at the bottom otherwise these two things will happen: 1) Light never wakes up and 2) Light never gets his Justin Beiber CD, so please review! Bye!


	5. Did I Say Madness?

Warning: Contains language and violence.

Disclaimer: I known nothing.

* * *

Me(_sighing_): Okay, Light. Here's your damn Justin Bieber CD.

Light: YAY! FINALLY!

Me(_unenthusiastically_): Enjoy your CD Lightbulb.

_Light listening and singing along to his CD._

Me: I'm running out ideas guys, so I've decided to ask my readers for ideas for later chapters.

Light: Wait, when did you say you were going to give me my Death Note back?

Me: When this story reaches its last chapter, which I don't want to think about now because I'm having too much fun making your life a living hell.

_Light looking for his Death Note._

Me: Light, what are you doing?

Light: Looking for my Death Note.

Me: No. Bad Light. No doggie treat for you.

Light: I'm nobody's bitch.

L: Yes, you are. You're my bitch.

Light: Since when we were dating?

L: Since the last chapter remember?

Light: Don't even go there. I'm still recovering from the pictures Shojo showed me.

Me: You mean these pictures (_shows Light the pictures again_).

Light: MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!

Me: Good, now you can never use the Death Note again. Oh Miiike?

Mike: Yes, boss?

Me: Please burn the Death Note, Light 'I am gay' Yagamai will no longer be using it.

Mike: Okay, boss.

Light: NO, MY PRECIOUS!

_I snap my fingers._

_Light knocks out._

Me: Oh, Mike?

Mike: Yes, boss?

Me: Please give Light Special Treatment #-75 would you?

Mike: #-75?! A-Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

_Mike leaves to the 'basement with Light over his shoulder unconscious._

L: I'm curious, what Special Treatment #-75?

Me: Don't worry about it. You'll find out after you see the results done on Light. MWAHAHAHAHA!

L: Remind me to never piss you off when you're PMSing.

Me: That be wise.

_I leave the room._

L: Hey, where are you going? Shoj?

* * *

**In the basement**

_Light tied to the chair, still unconscious._

_I snap my fingers._

_Light wakes up._

Light: Huh? Why am I strapped to a chair sitting like this? My deductive skills will surely go-

_I snap my fingers again._

_Light fall asleep AGAIN!_

Me: I forgot the hypnosis thing is still on Light.

Mike: Yeah, you need to fix that soon.

Me: I will... Later... When I feel like it.

_I snap them again._

_Light wakes up with a confused look on his face._

Light: Hey, where am I?

Me: In my basement.

Light: Wh-what?! Nonononono, this is NOT HAPPENING! MAKE IT ST-

_Mike duck tapes his mouth shut._

Me: Okay, THIS time play about three hours of Blues Clues and about another six hours of Dora the Explorer, but this time for the Dora the Explorer, please play the 'Where's the Mountain' part on repeat.

Mike: The whole part?

Me: No. Just the part where she asks where it is and the kids answer. Stop it before she finds it.

Mike: Okay, so play in on repeat just before she finds it? For the whole six hours?

Me: Bingo! And this time Mike, since I'm using these extreme measures, you can pop in the DVD I made earlier, insert the settings into the computer and leave the room.

Mike: You sure?

Me: Positive. There's no way he can break through diamond-tough duck tape. It's inhumanly possible.

Mike: Diamond-tough duck tape?! Where do you find this stuff?

Me: The Internet.

Mike: Ooookaaaayyyy.

_Mike sets up the screen and leaves the room._

_I check to make sure Light is watching and leave the room as well._

* * *

**Nine Hours Later...**

L: I wondering what doing on with with Light.

Me: I don't know.

L: I mean he was screaming bloody murder for about three hours but the last six hours have been complete silence.

Me: You're right. Do you think it worked?

L: I don't know. I'll go check.

_L leaves the room and heads for the basement._

L: Uh, Shoj.

Me: What is it, Lawliet. Did it work?

L: Uh, you tell me.

_Light enters the room._

Light: ...Why isn't she listening to me...The damn mountain was right in front of her...I told her and told her but...

Me: It seems like it worked. I'll test it. Light, the mail's here.

Light: Here's the mail, it never fails, makes me want to wag my tail, when it comes I want to wail: MMAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLL!

Me: IT WORKED! Mike, hand me my video camera.

Light: What?! No, you are NOT posting this on Youtube.

Me: Awww...Liiight, did you fake it so I would let you out of there?

Light: Maaaaybe.

_I hit him on the head with a brick._

Light(_rubbing his head_): OW!

_Light heads the opposite side of the room._

Me: Light, what are doing?

Light(_holding up a black book_): Hey, what's this?

Me: Hey! Don't touch my precious!

Light(_holding my sketch book_): What, this?

Me: Yes that. Hand it over now or face my wrath.

Light: Fine. (_hands it over_)

Me: Thank you.

My mom: Michelle! The cops are the phone asking for you!

Me: Be right back!

_I leave the room, leaving the sketch book behind._

**Meanwhile, back in the bedroom...**

Light(_picks up the sketchbook_): I wonder what's in here.

L(_grabs it back_): Hey, she said not to touch it.

Light: C'mon, Ryuzaki. Aren't you a bit curious on what's in there?

L:My curiosity level is at 19%.

Light: C'mon. Open it.

L: Fine. There's no harm in taking a peek.

_L opens the sketchbook. Light and L look at in horror._

Me(_entering the room_): I'm back! hey, what are two doing? Are you making out?

Light: Wh-what?! N-No. W-We are...

L: Looking into your sketchbook. Light forced me to do it.

Light: Liar.

Me: Oh, really? Well, since you have it open, what do you think? Do you like what you see or is there some major problem with the content of the sketchbook?

Light:Oh, there's a major problem with it.

L: Yeah, there is.

Light: See, Ryuzaki agrees with me.

L: I just have one question.

Me: What is it Lawliet?

Light: Ye-yeah, what is it?

L: Why am I on the bottom and Light-kun is on top. It'd make more sense since I'm the more dominant male and Light being seme would be him saying, 'I'm Kira'.

Me: You're right. Sorry about that.

Light: Wait, wait, wait a minute. She draws inappropriate pictures of us and THAT'S what you're worried about?!

L: Naturally.

Light: Why?

L: It's quite simple really.

_L kisses Light._

Me(_taking pictures, screaming_): YAOI!

_Light...doesn't fight back?!_

_YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!_

Me: Yay! Lightbulb's not fighting back!

Light: I'm not a lightbulb.

Me: Awwww...finished already. I was going to get a few more shots of you two.

Light:N-

_L kisses him again._

_I get a couple more pictures._

L: Happy now?

Me(_nosebleed_): Yes!

Light: When are you going to end this stupid story already?

Me: If I don't any ideas from people, then I may end it at chapter six.

Light(_screams to the readers_): PLEASE DON'T LET THE MADNESS CONTINUE!

Me(_pounding Light to next Tuesday_): Don't listen to him, my precious readers. All ideas are welcome but I'll only choose a handful so this story doesn't drag. When you submit your idea, make sure it isn't rated M. I really don't want to change the rating. Mild yaoi is acceptable. So, if you have an idea for a chapter, feel free to leave a review stating it or PM me.

Light: Are you ending it now? The chapter I mean.

Me: Yes. Oh, and Light?

Light: Yes?

Me: Can I see your Justin Beiber CD?

Light: Okay? Here you go.

_Light hands me his CD._

Me: Good, cause your not getting this back also until the end of the story.

Light: What?! Give it ba-

_I pound him to oblivion with a brick._

L: Nice.

Me: Why thank you. Bye! And please don't forget to review. And if you have an idea, please tell me!


	6. Madness!

**A/n:** _I'm so sorry about the late update. I'm starting to lose steam for this story and unfortunately this story won't go on for much longer. I'll probably end it at chapter 10 or so. Please enjoy chapter 6 of this VERY long titled story._

**Warning**: _Language, violence and yaoi._

**Disclaimer**: _I own nothing._

* * *

Me: Light.

Light: Yes?

_I lock Light in the basement with PewdiePie._

Me: Phew.

L: What did you do this time?

Me: I locked Light in my basement with PewdiePie, a Swedish gamer whose very popular on Youtube, while playing Slenderman.

L: Got a request from ChocoholicBrunette14?

Me: Yup.

L: You are one sad, strange little girl.

Me: Oh, and I have a message for you from ChocoholicBrunette14.

L: Really?

Me: Yes. She said she's going to be you for Halloween.

L: Really? Wow. Thank you.

Me: I wonder how Light's doing?

L: Who knows...

Me: ...And who cares?!

L: Yes.

Me(_fistpumped into the air_): Yes!

* * *

_**Meanwhile in the basement...**_

Light(_tied to a chair_): And this is suppose to scare me how?

PewdiePie: You'll see in a fucking minute.

_PewdiePie continues to play Slenderman._

Light: I still don't see how playing as a little girl collecting eight pages is suppose to scare me-OH MY GOD!

_Slenderman pops up and then the screen goes black._

Light: I can see why she locked me up with a Swedish weirdo.

PewdiePie: Hey! If you continue to diss me like that, then I can have Shojo extend the time that we are in here.

Light: How long are we suppose to be in here anyway?

PewdiePie: About 7 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds.

Light: So about 8 hours?

PewdiePie: No, didn't you hear me? I said 7 hours and 59-

Light: Yeah,yeah. I get it, already. You don't have to repeat yourself a million times.

PewdiePie: -mintues and 59 seconds.

Light(_eye twitches_): I said I got already.

PewdiePie: You sure? Because I can I repeat it again just to clarify-

Light: I SAID I GOT IT!

PewdiePie: Okay, okay. Jeez. No wonder Shojo hates you. You're crazy shit.

Light: I'm. Not. Crazy!

PewdiePie: Fuck! He cracked!

_Light glares at him._

Light: She does know that I can just close my eyes anytime right?

PewdiePie: Oh she fucking know, man. That's why she installed a fucking sensor to you chair that sends an electric shock powerful enough to knock an elephant unconscious whenever it senses that you closed your eyes. Oh just a FYI, it's VERY sensitive so don't blink.

Light: Great. Now I have to deal with an electric shock sensor for 7 MOTHERFUCKING HOURS!

PewdiePie:-59 minutes and 59 seconds.

_Light sighs and closes his eyes in defeat._

_~Shock!~_

_Light knocks out, unconscious._

* * *

**7 Hours 59 Minutes and 59 Seconds Later...**

Mike: Boss, Light's ready to be releashed-

_Mike looks and sees that I'm asleep._

Mike: Oh, sorry.

_He leaves the room._

L: Shoj, wake up.

Me(sti_ll sleepy_): Huh? What going on? Did Light kill himself yet?

L: No, but Mike just came in here, saying that Light's ready to be releashed.

Me(_yawning_): Oh, okay. Mike.

Mike(_returns to the room_): Yes boss?

Me: Here are the keys to unlock the basement's many locks.

Mike(_takes the keys_): Right.

_He leaves the room._

_Light enters the room._

L: Hey, Shoj. What are you going to do next?

Me: Let's see...I'm going to do-Near!

_I run over to Near and hug him._

L: So you're going to do Near?! Wow, I didn't know you were that type of girl, Shojo.

_I give L a light tap on the head._

Me: No, you genius. I was thinking about what I was going to do next when Near showed up.

L: Oh.

_Matt and Mello enter the room. _

Matt: Hey, what's up Shojo?

Me: Mihael! Mail! It's nice to see you!

_I run over and hug them both._

Me: So are you two up for some Light-bashing?

Mello(_punching his hand_): Any day! I'm ready to beat the living daylights out of him!

Me: No pun intended?

Mello: Oh, it was intended.

Me: Nice.

Light: Hey why did you call Matt and Mello by their real names but not Near?

Me: Because, unfortunately, in the series, they died. Near, however, still 'lives' as L's successor. And since they had already died, you can't kill them by using the Death Note.

Light: But I already know Near's real name.

Me: What?

Light: Yeah, remember? Episode 37? Chapter 106?

Me: Oh yeah. Well, it doesn't matter because I hid the Death Note in a VERY safe place.

Light: You mean like here? (_holds up Death Note_).

_I quickly grab it._

Me: Where did you find it?

Light: Here. (_points to where he found it_)

Me(_while beating Light a millimeter away from death_): LIGHT YOU PERVERT! HOW DARE YOU?!

Mello: Wait, where was she hiding it?

L: I believe in her underwear drawer.

Mello: Oh. Remind me to never piss her off.

L, Matt, and Near: Agreed.

Me: Now, that's settled with, I'm going to end the chapter here.

L, Matt, Mello and Near: WHAT?!

Me: Yeah.

Mello: But we just got here?!

Matt: Yeah!

Me: I'm sorry! But I promise next chapter you will have your time to shine.

Matt: I'm cool with that. You cool with Mello?

Mello: Yeah, I'm cool.

Me: Good and for the next couple of chapters, I will have a cohost for this little corner of insanity.

Light(shivers): I don't like the sound of that.

Me: Near, will you do the honors?

Near: Please review at the bottom otherwise Shojo will-(_read the card again_) have Light give Matt a blowjob?

Mello: AW, HELL NO BITCH! MATT'S MINE!

Me: I know. That's why I'm hoping people will review.

Mello: You, the person reading this piece of shit right now, you better review at the end or I swear I will hunt you down and put a bullet through your head.

Me: Mello?! Don't threaten the readers!

Mello: Fine. But please do review.

Me: Bye!

* * *

Mello: But seriously do review, other wise I'll-

_I smack him on the head._


	7. Madness Co-host Insanity!

Me: Chapter 7...already?!

Mello: You just noticed?

Me: Hush Mello.

Me: Anyway, today is an exciting day!

_I think about what I just said._

Me: Oh god, I sound like a preschool teacher.

Light: Ha!

Me: Shut up Kira. (_smacks him_)

Near: Sho you were saying something about today being exciting?

Me: Oh yes. Today marks the first day that this little, long-title story gets a co-host.

L: Really? Wow, that's about 20% exciting and 35% terrifying.

Light: I agree with Ryuzaki on the terrifying part.

Me: Oh c'mon Light! Grow a fucking pear!

Light:...Huh?

Near: What she means is grow some balls Kira.

_We all turn towards Near._

Near(_while twirling his hair with his finger_): What?

Me: N-nothing. Anywaaay, my co-host should be arriving here soon.

_DeathandMayhem enters the room._

DeathandMayhem: Sorry I'm late.

Me: That's okay. I'm glad you were able to make it.

DeathandMayhem: Light! Near! (_hugs them_)

Light: She's your co-host?!

Me: Yup. But unfortunately for L, she's a Kira fan.

Death-Note-Fan01: Yeah! Kira all the way!

Me: I have no idea what she sees in Light.

DeathandMayhem: Light's awesome!

Me: No he isn't.

DeathandMayhem: Yes he IS!

Me: No he is NOT!

_We continue to argue._

Near: What are they doing?

L: Apparently they're arguing over who's better- Light or L.

Near, Mello, Matt: Oh!

Me:...No! Light's the uke!

DeathandMayhem: No! L is!

Me: No he isn't! L's the seme! He's WAY more manlier than Light!

DeathandMyahem: Oh yeah?! Prove it!

Me: I will! (_turns to Light_) Light! Uke says what?

Light: What?

Me: See? He's clearly the uke.

DeathandMayhem: What does that prove?!

Me: If Light were seme he would have said 'no way.' He said 'what?' So it clearly proves he's uke.

DeathandMayhem: That proves nothing!

Me: Yes it does.

DeathandMayhem: No it doesn't.

Me: Yes it DOES.

DeathandMayhem: No it DOESN'T!

Me: Does.

DeathandMayhem: Doesn't.

L: Okay! Michelle. Matsuri. Please calm down otherwise you two will start World War III.

Me: Okay. Truce?

DeathandMayhem: Truce.

_We shake on it._

Me: For now.

Light: Wait wait wait. I'm confused. I thought her name was DeathandMayhem.

Me: It's her penname. She wanted me to referee as her 'Japanese' name Matsuri.

Light: Oh. (_looks behind me_) OH!

Me: What? What happened?

_Light points behind me._

_Matsuri is trying to get L to sit right._

Me: L!

_I go over to help L._

Me(_to L_): Are you okay?

L(_panting_): Ye-yeah.

Me: What did she do to you?

L: She tried to get me to sit right.

Me: Ooh, you just crossed a line.

Matsuri: What line?

Me: You never make L sit normally. It'll deduce his deductive skills by 40%! 40!

Matsuri: Oh c'mon Shojen, aren't you a bit curious on how L would look like if he acted normally?

Me: Well...

L: Please say no.

Me: Well...I'm a tinesy bit curious.

L: Oh no.

Me(_turns to Light_): Light, I'm gonna make you useful for once.

Light: Huh?

Me: Turn L into a normal human being.

Light: HUH?!

Me: Yeah.

Light: Okay.

_He grabs L and drags him to the restroom._

**Five hours later...**

Me(_checking my watch_): I wonder what's taking so long.

Mello: I don't know. L was screaming for about 3 1/2 hours and there was a lot of banging on the walls for about 4 hours. Now it's as quiet as a library.

Me: Uh Mello?

Mello: Yes?

Me: That screaming wasn't L.

Mello: Ouch. Light just got beat up by L.

Me(_holds up hand for high-5_): Up top, Mello. Up top.

_Mello high fives me._

Near: Shoj?

Me: Yes Near?

Near: Why are you typing this chapter out during pre-cal?

Me: Because my brother let me borrow his iPad and I'm bored so I thought why not?

Near: That's a scary thought.

Me: What?

Near: N-nothing.

Me(_checks watch again_): What's taking them so long?

_Light enters the room, his clothes in tatters with a black eye and blood all over his clothes._

Me(_takes picture_): See I told you L's more maniler that Light.

_Matsuri glares at me._

Me: L! You can come out now.

L: Do I have to?

Me: L, don't be like Light.

L:...Fine.

_L comes out from the bathroom._

Mello, Matt, Near: Wow.

Near: I almost didn't recognize him.

Matt: Me too. Hey Sho? Sho?

_Matt turns and sees me passed out on the floor._

Matt: Uh, guys?

Mello and Near: Yes?

_Mello glares at Near._

Matt: Shoj just fainted.

Mello: What?!

_They walk over to where I'm passed out._

Mello: Shoj, are you okay?

Me: L YOU LOOK FUCKING AWESOME! THANK YOU MATSURI FORE SUGGESTING THIS!

Mello: She's okay.

Matt: That's good.

_I get up from the floor and tackle L._

L: Woah!

Me: I LOVE YOU L!

L: Okay, okay. Now can you please get off of me?

Me(_blushing_): Oh, oops. Sorry.

_I turn to Light._

Me(_patting Light on his back VERY hard_): Good job Light.

Light: I...think...you...broke...my...back...

_Light falls to the floor._

Me: See? He's completely spineless. He's no man.

Matsuri: Tch.

Me: Okay! This chapter's done.

Everybody: WHAT?!

Me: Yup.

Light: Yes!

_I bitch slap him._

Mello: OH! Up top Shoj. Up top.

Me: Yeah!

_We high-five._

_Matsuri hands me a card._

Me: Huh? Oh, you want me to read this? Sure.

Me(_reading from the card_): Please review at the bottom otherwise... (_read the card again_)...Uh...do I have read that part?

Matsuri: Yes. If you do, then I won't torture L...maybe.

Me(_takes a deep breath and read through my teeth_):...Shojen12 will be forced to give Light a handjob while wearing a maid's outfit.

Light:W-why are you having her do that? I thought you like Kira.

Matsuri: I do, some people don't.

Light: Though now that I picture it...

Me: Light! Don't you dare think! You are not allowed to think!

Light:...Those of you reading this chapter, don't bother to review. It'd be a waste of time.

Me: LIGHT YOU ARE SO MOTHERFUCKING DEAD! YOU HEAR ME?!

Light: Eep! O-on se-second th-though...

Matsuri: Light. (Glares at him)

Light: Eep.

Near: Those of you reading, do whatever you like. If you want to leave a review, you can. If you don't want to, then, that's okay also.

Me: Bye!

Matsuri: Bye!

Me: Oh, Liiiiiiiiiight!

Light: Eep! Y-yes?

_I snap my fingers._

_He falls asleep._

Mello: What did you do to him.

Me: Long story.

* * *

Matt: Phew! Glad that's over.

Mello: Where were you?

Matt: Hiding in a closet playing Mario Kart waiting for the chaos to settle.

Mello: Oh.


	8. Madness Co-host Insanity Pt 2

Me(_looks at the reviews I got_): YES! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Light: What?! No!

Me: HA! SUCK ON THAT LIGHT!

Light:...?

Near: She means go fuck yourself Kira.

Me: Near?

Near: Yes?

Me: Go wash your mind with bleach.

Near: Okay. (_pulls out latest volume of Bleach_)

Me: Smart-ass.

Near: But you love me anyway, right?

Me(_tackles Near_): Yes.

Near: Can you please let me go? I'm having trouble breathing.

Me(_lets go_): Oops, sorry.

Mello: So, what do you have in store for Light today Shoj?

Me: Well, I was planning on taking everyone, including Mr. Needs-to-come-out-of-the-closet Yagami, to a 'meeting'.

Matsuri: What kind of meeting?

Me: Oh you'll see. Now let me just a few things.

_I get handcuffs, camera, laptop and shoes._

Me: Okay, I think I got everything. (l_ooks for jacket_) Except for my jacket. Where the hell did I put that thing?

_I look in my closet, doorknob, desk chair and drawers but no luck. _

Me(_snaps fingers_): Oh, now I remember!

_I look under my bed._

Light: What are you doing?

Me: Looking for my jacket. Damn, it's too dark under there. I need a flash light.

Light: Um...okay.

_Light starts to undress._

_I look up to find Light in his boxers._

Me: Light what are you doing-(_thinks back to what I said earlier_) LIGHT YOU PERVERT!

_I bash Light's head in._

Light: Ow! What the hell is that for?!

Me: I SAID I NEEDED _A_ FLASH LIGHT, NOT _TO FLASH_ LIGHT!

Light: Oh.

Near: Pervert.

Light: What did you call me?

Near: Nothing.

Me: Okay I got everything I needed. Let's go!

_We all leave my room. _

* * *

**Outside "Special Meeting" Doors**

Me: Okay we're here.

Light: Finally. That was one long drive.

Me: It wasn't that long! Only a few hours!

Light: 13 hours is not a few hours!

Me: Tch. Fine. Okay before we go in, I need to say something.

Matsuri: Okay, I'm all ears.

L: So am I.

Mello: Me too.

Matt: Me three.

Near: Same.

Light: Ditto.

Me: Okay.

_I take out handcuffs from my back pocket, handcuff L and Light together, and drag them to the door._

L: Huh? What the-

Light: SHOJEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE DOING?!

Me: In the words of Michelle [blank]- Make sure to come back a virgin.

L and Light: Huh?

_I open the door to rabid fangirls, toss L and Light inside, and close the door. _

Me: Phew. Mission accomplish.

Mello: Where exactly are we?

Me: A LXLight fangirl meeting.

Mello: Who suggested this genius idea?

_I point to Matsuri._

Mello: You are a genius.

Matsuri: Why thank you.

Me: Okay, I think the fangirls have calm down. Let's go inside.

_We walk inside the room to find L and Light bruised and bloody._

Me: Damn, these are some serious fangirls.

_Someone clears their throat._

Me: Oh, sorry. And some serious fanboys.

Man: Thank you.

Me: Wait, is that...Mikami?! What the hell are you doing here?

Mikami: Isn't it obvious? I'm here to rescue my god from your evil clutches.

Me: Me evil? Ha! Rewind!

_Episode 37 starts playing._

Me: See? Light is CRAZY!

Mikami: I'm sorry. I must have been mistaken. Goodbye.

Light: What?! MIKAMI, GET THE FUCK BACK HERE THIS INSTANT AND RESCUE ME!

_Mikami leaves the room._

Me: See? Light is totally the uke. He's playing the damsel in distress card with Mikami.

Matsuri: Grr...

_I turn back to the fangirls AND fanboys._

Me: so how are all you doing today?

_The crowd screams._

Me: Okay okay. i called this meeting together-

Light: Wait, YOU'RE BEHIND THIS BULLSHIT?!

Me: Yes. Now where was I? Oh yes! I called this meeting together because Light is still in denial.

Light: About?

Me: Say you last name backwards.

Light: No.

Me: Say it.

Light: No.

Me: Say it!

Light: No.

Yaoi fans: GODDAMN IT LIGHT. JUST SAY IT ALREADY!

Light: No.

Me: Why not?

Light: Because I'm not gay.

Me: L, you know what to do.

_L goes over to Light and kisses him on the lips._

_Light kisses him back. _

_The crowd goes wild!_

Me(_recording the whole thing_): Is this epic or is this epic?

Yaoi fans: IT'S EPIC!

Light: Okay fine I'll say it!

_Light takes a deep breath._

_He mumbles his response._

Me: What did you say Light? I couldn't hear you.

_Light repeats what he said, only a little bit louder._

Me: Light, speak up!

Light: I SAID I'M GAY!

Yaoi fans: YES! HE FINALLY ADMITS IT!

Me(_slaps Light's back_): Good job Lightbulb.

Light: hsuandiasnskinsjd sjsndabjn ajndsk;fs fshfklshfiahen shfwe

Me: Ingles, por favor!

Light: Fuck you Shojen you can go to hell.

Me: Funny. That's not what they said when they kicked me out.

Light:...

_He faints._

Me: I hope he knows that I'm joking.

L: Probably not.

Me: Okay, Matsuri, since you're pro-Kira, you can carry him back to the car.

Matsuri: What?!

Me: Yup. (_pats her on the back_) Good luuck!

_Everyone except Matsuri leaves the meeting._

Matsuri: Wait what?! Hey, wait for me!

_She picks up Light._

Matsuri: Ugh, damn he's heavy!

_She drags him out of the room. _

**Back in my room **

Me: So, how was it?

L(monotone voice): I enjoyed myself.

Matt: Me too.

Mello: Same.

Near: Ditto.

Me: And Light?

_Light still past out._

_I walk over to Light._

Me: Hey Light. Liight. Liiight. Liiiight. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Wake up!

_I slap him stupid._

Me: Light! Wake up!

Light: Okay okay I'm up! Geez, you almost gave me a concussion.

Me: Good.

Near: Uh, Shoj? When are you going to end the chapter?

Me: NEVER!

Near: But don't you have school tomorrow?

Me:...No...

Matsuri: Yes you do. I checked the calender; tomorrow's Monday.

Me:...No it isn't...

Matsuri: Yes it is.

Me: No it isn't.

Matsuri: Yes it is!

Me: Fine. So just say that tomorrow's Monday-

Matsuri: Which it is!

Me:-then, how can you prove that i have school tomorrow?

_Matsuri shows me my school calender._

Matsuri(_pointing to Monday_): See? It says here that you have a late start at 9.

Me: Grr...

Matsuri: Hey, what do these numbers here mean?

Me: What numbers?

Matsuri: The number after the date.

Me: Oh, that's my schedule for the day. My school has a rotating schedule, each day starting with a different period. See I start with period 2. Then the next day 3.

Matsuri: Oh.

Me: But the block periods have their own rotation. So yes I may start with period 3 Tuesday, but I may start with 5 Wednesday, but this week I start with 4.

Light: Yawn. Wow that was a wonderful lecture on your school.

Me(_smacks Light_): if you're gonna be sarcastic, try a little harder.

Light: Can you end it please?!

Me: Fine. Those of you reading this lovely corner of sanity-

Light: *cough* Lies *cough*

Me:-please review at the bottom, otherwise a certain someone will be...how should I put this?...no longer with us.

Light: Eep!

_Me doing Kira laugh._

Light:...

_Light faints._

L: Wow, nice impersonation of his laugh.

Me: Why thank you.

Matt: Bye!

* * *

Near: Note to self-Never piss her off.

Me: That be wise.

Near:...I will be right back.

Near leaves room.

Me: Near! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! You can come back now! Near!

Me: Sigh.


	9. Madness Co-host Insanity Pt 3

Me: Yes! Three reviews! You guys are awesome!

Light: Yeah yeah. Whatever.

Near(_looks at through my computer_): Shoj, what's this?

_Near points towards a doc labeled Random Junjou Romantica Conversations._

Me: Oh. Weeelllll I wasn't planning on telling you guys until the end but...

Matsuri: What is it?

L: Yes, please tell us.

Mello: Tell us damn it!

Matt(_while playing Super Mario_): Yeah.

Me: Okay okay. I was thinking I'll do a series of Random Conversations with as many anime series I know. And I'm starting it off with Junjou Romantica.

Light: Why Junjou Romantica?

Me(_shifty eyes_): Oh, no reason.

Light: C'mon it can't be that bad.

Everyone: You wanna bet?

Light: Eep! U-uh...

Me: Weeellll if you must know, I'm having [bleep] do [bleep] while [bleep] and [bleep] and also [bleeeeeeeep].

Everyone:. . .

Me: Oh and-

_Light cuts me off._

Light: Okay! That's enough!

Me: No it isn't.

Light: Yes it is.

Me: No it isn't.

Light: Don't argue with the god of this new world.

Me: No.

Matsuri: Shoj, listen to what he says.

Me: No.

Matsuri: Yes.

Me: No.

_Matsuri glares at me._

_I glare back._

_GLARE DOWN! _

L: Light, what are you doing?

Light: Selling tickets.

L, Mello, Matt, Near: Why?

Light: It's gonna be an epic fight-OW!

Light: When did she-Huh?

Me: When did I what, Light?

Light: When did you attach a boxing glove to a wooden fence and install it to a missile launcher?

Me: When you were asleep.

Light: You are officially my worst nightmare.

Me: Why thank you.

_He glares at me. _

Me: Ha, you don't scare me.

Light: Oh really?

Me: Yes.

_Light glares at me. _

_I glare back._

Light...I got nothing.

_I facepalm._

Me: What an idiot.

Matsuri: Wait what just happened?

Me: Nothing.

_Light's phone goes off._

Phone: I feel it deep within. It's just beneath I must confess that I feel like a monster I have what I've become The nightmare just began I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Me: Now THAT suits Light.

_I grabs his phone and answer._

Me: Hello?

Misa: LIGHT WHERE ARE YOU?!

Me(_holds phone away from ear_): Note to self-Check caller ID BEFORE answering Lightbulb's phone.

Me: Oh, I guess no one told you.

Misa: TOLD ME WHAT?!

Me: About the [insert fake sob] accident.

Misa: What accident?

Me(_thoughts_): Oh NOW she calms. That damn bitch.

Me(_fake sobs_): W-well, L-light was on his way (_sob_) back from the jewelry store wh-when he attacked by a gang. A-after he was attcked, he was on h-his way over to the police station when h-he got hit by a...a...(_hard crying_).

Misa(_crying_): Oh Light!

Me: When the police discovered the body, they saw an engagement ring on his person.

Misa: Huh?!

Me: Yes and it had this inscription- To My Beloved-

Misa: OH LI-

Me:-L

Misa: WHAT?! LIGHT YOU BASTARD! IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE DEAD OTHERWISE-AND WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING.

Me(_laughing_): Because...Ah. Good bye.

Misa: WAIT. DON'T YOU DARE-

_I hang up. _

Me: Phew. Glad I got that out of my system.

Light: SHOJEN!

Me: What?

Light: You...how could... what...YOU!

Me: You're gonna have to be more specific than that.

Light: GAH!

Me: Okay guys, I'm ending the chapter here.

Everyone except Light: What?!

Light: YES!

_I bitch-slap Light. _

Me: Ah, now THERE'S something I haven't done in a while.

Matsuri: Oh well. Then, I'll better get going.

Me: So soon?

Matsuri: Yeah.

Me: Bye!

Matsuri: Bye...Light's still seme.

Me: Don't even go there.

_Matsuri glares at me._

_I glare back._

Matsuri: Good bye Light. (_gives him a hug_)

Light: Ha. At least SOMEBODY appreciates me.

_I give him the finger._

Matsuri: Good bye Near. (_hugs him_)

_Matsuri leaves._

Light: Okay that's over with.

Me: What's over with?

Light: The co-host thing.

Me: Oh no. Next chapter, I'm having a new co-host.

Light: Huh?! Who?!

Me: Oh you'll see. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Light faints. _

Me: Bye!

* * *

Mello: Is it over?

Matt: Yeah.

Me: Mihael! Mail! Where were you?!

Mello: Uh...well...

Matt: We were making good use of the new basement.

Me: Oh. Okay.

Mello: MATT! YOU ARE SO DEAD!


	10. New Co-host Madness

Me: Jesus, it's been a while!

L: I agree.

Mello: Same here. I miss all the Light-bashing.

Near: I agree as well.

Matt: Ditto.

Light: What are you guys talking about?! It's been a great month!

_I grab a baseball bat and whack him with it._

Me: Now THAT felt good. Boy, it's been a long time.

Mello: What WERE you doing during that month since you've updated the story?

Me: Let's see...I rewrote Strange Circumstances, published 20 stories to my fictionpress account, updated The 8th Family, updated my Junjou story, and published the Loveless story I promised.

Mello: Wow. That's really good. 20 stories in one month.

Me: Thanks. But what mostly kept me away from the story was homework and writer's block.

Mello: Pfft. But I guess homework wasn't much of a factor in the equation.

Me: How so?

Mello: 20 stories in a month? Something tells me homework wasn't much of a priority then.

Me: Actually, most of the stories on there were written out of frustration and sadness. Plus I was already finished with homework when those were written.

Light: You?! Sad?! I didn't think someone like you could even understand sadness.

_The atmosphere in the room darkens._

Light:U-uh...g-g-g-guys...w-what's g-g-g-going o-on?

Me(_cold voice_): What made you say that Light?

Light(_shivering_): W-w-well...

Me: Huh?

Light: W-w-well...would you look at the time? I'm late for my hair appointment. Bye!

Me: Aw hell no! You're not going anywhere Light!

_I grab him by the collar before he leaves the room._

Light: HELP! SOMEBODY HE-

_I snap my fingers._

_He falls conscious._

Me: YO! MIKE!

_Mike enters the room._

Mike: Yes, boss?

Me: GIVE LIGHT THE EL GRANDE!

_Mike stops cold._

Mike: T-the E-el G-grande? A-are you sure?!

Me: Positive.

Mike: O-okay. But where should I perform it? The basement was renovated for the Junjou Romantica version of this story, remember?

Me: Yeah. I remember. That's why I'm having you do it in the garage.

Mike(_swallows hard_): He must have really pissed you off this time.

Me: Oh yeah.

_He leaves the room with Light slung over his shoulder. _

Me: Phew, now, while Light's in the garage, I'll introduce my new co-host for this lovely fanfic.

Me: ChocoholicBrunette14, please enter.

_ChocoholicBrunette14 enters the rooms. _

ChocoholicBrunette14: Shojen!

_ChocoholicBrunette14 runs and glomps me._

Me: Gah!

_I topple to the ground with ChocoholicBrunette14 on top of me._

Me: H-hi. Glad you could make it, CP.

CP: Thanks. I'm happy to be here.

Me: Um...can you please get off me.

CP: Oh sure.

_We both get up from the floor._

L: So she's your new co-host.

Me: Yup.

L: For how long?

Me: One chapter.

CP: Mello!

_She hands him about thirty pounds of chocolate bars._

Mello(_wide-eyed_): Wow. Thank you.

CP: No problem.

CP: Now (_loads handgun_) where's Light?

Matt: He's-

Me: -In the garage because he pissed me off.

CP: How badly?

Me: Enough to receive the El Grande.

CP: What's the El Grande?

Me: Come here and I'll show you.

_I pull out my laptop and show her the video feed from the garage. _

Michelle: For safety reason, I turned off the sound.

_CP looks at the screen._

CP: Wow...

Michelle: Yup. I had to resort to extreme measures.

Screen: Light duck taped to a chair with headphones strapped to his head. In the background is a laptop with Rebecca Black's Friday playing non-stop.

CP: Shojen, I just have thing to say to you.

Me: Yes?

CP(_glomps me again_): YOU ARE AWESOME!

Me: Aww...I feel loved.

CP: So when can I shoot Light?

Me: When his punishment is over.

CP: Okay!

**48 Hours Later... **

CP: Is his punishment almost over?

Me: Yeah, just about.

Me(_into walkie-talkie_): Okay, Mike. you can release the pest.

Mike(_from walkie-talkie_): Sure boss.

_Light enters the room, looking a little crazy._

_CP runs over to him and pins him against the wall._

CP(_with gun to Light's head_): Okay you piece of crap. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put a bullet through your head for telling Rem to kill L just to save that idiot Misa?

Light: U-uh...um...

CP: No reason? Okay.

_CP pulls the trigger._

_Light falls over._

Me: YES! LIGHTBULB'S FINALLY DE-

Light: I'm not dead you idiot!

Me: WHAT?!

Light: Remember the last episode/chapter?

Me:...oh...GODDAMN IT!

CP: What? What just happened?

Me: Since Light died in the series, he can't be killed because he's alright dead. Damn it!

CP: Oh, so the only people in this room who can be killed are-

Me: -You, myself and Near.

Light: HA! I got you, shojen! Woho-OW!

Me(_holding missile launcher from last chapter_): Shut up Light.

Me: Okay. I'm done with this chapter.

Everyone: WHAT?! ALREADY?! SO SOON?!

Me: Yup.

Light: Yes!

_I bang in the head with a metal pipe._

Me: But I do have an announcement to make.

Everyone: Okay.

Me: To my readers, I have put up a poll on my profile concerning this story. Please, please please vote on it. It's essential that you do.

CP: Is that it?

Me: Yup.

CP: Okay, I guess I'll be going now.

Me: Okay.

_I hug her._

Me: Thanks for coming. It was a lot of fun.

CP: Thanks for having me!

_CP turns to Light and shoot him again with her handgun._

CP: Man, that felt good.

_She turns to Mello and gives him about 60 pounds of chocolate bars._

CP: Here you go Mello.

CP: Bye!

Me: Bye!

_She leaves the room. _

Me: Okay I guess I better end the chap-

L: Not so fast.

Me: Huh?

L: Didn't you forget something?

Me: Like what?

L: The disclaimer?

Me: Oh shit! You're right! Thanks, Lawliet.

L: No problem.

Me(_clears throat_): I, Shojen12, do not own Death Note or its characters...yet...*sigh* Aw, who am I kidding? I'll never own Death Note. Happy now?

L: yes.

Me: Adios, mi readers. Remember to review at the bottom and to vote on the poll.

Me: Bye!


End file.
